I should be just starting the third trimester.

I always expected I would have a hard time getting pregnant and having kids, but at the same time I naively thought that maybe I actually would be okay. My husband and I wanted to have kids pretty soon after getting married. He always joked about having 11 kids. I remember one day sitting at the food court in the mall planning how many kids we wanted and when we wanted them. If only it was that easy!

In May 2016, after 5 months of trying I finally got a positive pregnancy test! At 6 weeks we got to see our little sweet pea and hear the heart beat! We were soooo excited. I went to my 10-week appointment only to hear that there was no longer a heartbeat. I was devastated. My doctor wanted me to wait a few more days to see if my body would naturally miscarry and sure enough a few days later it happened. I ended up having a d&c. We were living in Romania during this time and I felt so alone, so we got a puppy, plus it was Andrei’s birthday so it was his present too. He made me feel so much better during that time, but after having him a week, he jumped out of my arms and ran into the road and was hit by a car instantly. In one week, I had lost my baby and I had lost my puppy. To this day I still have PTSD about it.

My husband felt the need to get a new puppy because our home just felt so empty, but I didn’t want any part in that. We ended up getting King and to say I hated him at first would be an understatement. I tried to convince my husband to return him. Luckily, he grew on me!

In January 2017, 6 months later I realized I was pregnant again but that something was really wrong. I got blood work done and it was confirmed that I had an early miscarriage, but I still felt horrible. I had an ultrasound and the doctor said that she didn’t see anything because it was so early. I miscarried naturally (without any pain meds) on Valentine’s day and that was the worst pain I have ever felt. I really tried to block it all out. I still bled for 2 more months and went to the doctor again, this time I saw a different doctor and she said that she thought I had an ectopic pregnancy, I went and saw another doctor who confirmed it. Neither thought I needed surgery but that definitely explained the pain that I felt. After that experience we took a break from trying for a year and moved to Utah.

After trying for what felt like forever (because it was forever) I got a positive pregnancy test in September 2019. It felt so real and I felt so confident I would get to carry this baby. At 6 weeks I had some heavy bleeding I cried all night; I couldn’t believe this was happening again. It was a Saturday, so I had to wait until Monday for an ultrasound. Thankfully everything was okay, and we got to see the heartbeat. I was extremely relieved. On Halloween, at our 10 week appointment, we got the news I was dreading. There was no heartbeat.

I took a pill to induce the miscarriage to happen. Luckily this time I had pain medicine too. But the pain and bleeding was not as intense as the other two times I wasn’t sure if it actually happened to I took another round of the medicine just in case.

I’ve always been sure that I have the same chromosomal abnormality as my mom and sister (especially because PCOS had been ruled out over the summer). During the last pregnancy I was able to see the same OBGYN as my sister and so she recommended I see a genetic specialist and I took the test and got the confirmed diagnosis – balanced translocation and insertion (5;2) . My heart was broken even though I knew that would be the case. Basically my chromosomes don’t match up just right so my body passes on “incomplete” chromosomes to the baby. There is no cure and no real fix for it. IVF could be an option, we’d just have to get each embryo tested to see if they have good chromosomes.

Not sure where to go with that information, my husband and I landed on adoption and met with a social worker, but something just didn’t feel right.

So here we are. Waiting in limbo. And waiting really is the worst part.